Relationship Breakdown Aggravates Male Suicide

Ide, N., Wyder, M., Kolves, K., & De Leo, D. (2010). Separation as an Important Risk Factor for Suicide: A Systematic Review Journal of Family Issues DOI: 10.1177/0192513X10365317

Many men respond to the breakdown of an intimate relationship by resorting to violence. That is, violence directed toward self and/or to others. It is not surprising then that men are much more likely than women in such difficult situations to kill themselves. In this article, Ide et al. (2010) lament the fact that not much is known in terms of the ‘impact of relationship breakdown on the development of suicidal behaviors’ (p.2). They refer to separation as a ‘process’, and the need to identify the links between that process and the ‘critical factors’ for suicide (2010, p.2). They argue that noticeably absent from the research puzzle is a solid understanding of the psychosocial context of relationship breakdown, and its association to suicidal behaviours (2010, p.2).

It might be because I am reading this article early on a Sunday morning, and so my mind is even more frazzled than usual, but I was struck by how ‘genderless’ this piece of work was. Sure, there is the odd mention of separated men being at greater risk of topping themselves than separated women (2010, pp.12-13, p.18), but not nearly enough to suggest that it is a particularly male phenomenon. It is. There is a mountain of evidence to support the tragic truth that so many men crash and burn when their partner ups and leaves them, often slowly drinking themselves to death, or killing themselves quickly by suicide. When Ide et al. (2010, p.2) call for greater attention to be paid to the context-based factors that might precipitate suicide by separated persons; I say that must include specific attention to the intricacies of being a man.

Referring, as in this article, to that old chestnut that ‘[m]ore than 90% of suicide attempters had at least one current major mental disorder’ (2010, p.18) would seem to delimit the sort of critical analysis that this complex phenomenon requires. It is excessively easy and excessively dumb to infer that separated men are secretly depressed, and that in turn leads to their exponentially higher suicide rates, when compared to separated women. That ‘90% mad’ statistic, so beloved by the suicide prevention industry, is a classic example of ideology over reality. Perish the thought that suicidal ideation might be the product of anything other than an irrational mind. An alternative hypothesis for why so many separated men take the plunge is because from the crib to the grave, most men suffer for poor attachment.

It would be controversial to suggest that a fundamental reason why separated men are around four times more likely than separated women to kill themselves (2010, p.13) is that boys lack proper nurturing from their primary carers. Most parents and other such carers make the critical mistake of punishing boys for expressing certain emotions, they refuse to respond in a loving and caring way to the emotional needs of boys, and then they pummel boys into believing that to be a man is to be strong, silent, and emotionally detached. Together, this inflicts enormous damage upon the child’s emotional development. It robs them of a sense of safety in the world, it makes them hypersensitive to real or perceived threats, and it leaves them with an easily triggered, grotesque over-reaction to any possibility of abandonment…

Are Men’s Brains Essentially Stuffed?

When someone says that the male brain is ‘just so’, so ‘just let him be’, we are making some grand assumptions that biological structures and chemical processes necessarily produce sex specific behaviours (see link, below). As the profession of psychiatry blends into neurology to avoid its practitioners becoming over-qualified chemists, we see more and more of this organic bit equals a dead-set cause and effect pattern. It reminds me of a phrase I once learnt when studying sociology as an undergraduate, many years ago. That was, that women could not compete in the public domain, could not do technical work, and could not even run long-distance at the Olympics, because of the ‘dictatorship of the ovaries’. Surrounded as I have been my entire life by strong women, that seemed like total bunkum to me. And to now read that men’s emotions are essentially hard-wired, denies the reality that the practice of emotions is strictly gendered. Boys aspire to be emotionally shut down and cop a clip under the ear or a mouthful of abuse if, just say, they might cry after losing a footy game or in response to falling over and scraping their knee. The one word that stands out in this article for me (see link, below), is ‘practice’. Men practice their behaviours. Those behaviours are not biologically determined. They are shaped by cultural forces and thankfully, individual choices…

Love Sex and the Male Brain 2010

Gay Sex Offends on Australian TV

Once upon a time I went for a job as a ‘classifier’ with the Office of Film and Literature Classification (OFLC). What a bizarre experience that was! A group of super conservative, super middle-class staff and prospective classifiers, conspiring in one of the most pathetic displays of mindless groupthink that I have ever witnessed. They were appalled by everything that appeared in the clips that we were shown: swearing, violence, nudity, you name it, they gasped at it. Little did I realise at the time was that was the culture of the place, you were supposed to tag along. Fuckwit was good there. I myself was stunned, shocked, and amazed at how dumb the staff and prospective classifiers were re their total lack of understanding of child development, including their ignorance of how children can discern the difference between horror, fantasy, and reality, and that the word ‘fuck’ to them is like, big deal, so what? So, when OFLC’s TV equivalent, the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA), decided to kick up a fuss about a staged bum-rooting scene between two men in the gay horror series, Dante’s Cove (see link, below), I could only laugh. ACMA has no problem at all with similar sex scenes on TV so long as the fucker is a man, and the fuckee a woman. Relegating gay sexuality to taboo status is discriminatory, homophobic, and so out of date.

www.tvtonight.com.au/2010/03/nine-questions-acma-ruling-on-gay-sex-scene.html

Google Opposes Australia’s Net Nanny Culture

Google has come out to oppose the Australian Federal Government’s proposal to filter the net against any threat that it so deems to be a threat (see link, below). Remember, we are talking about ministers who run around the countryside with bibles in their pockets, bashing everyone’s ear about the moral decay that supposedly afflicts our society. Simplistic people call for simplistic solutions, and blocking any website that might potentially cause offence seems like a reasonable way to go. However, these opponents of free speech and expression want to entrench a puritan, nanny state culture, in which they decide what we as reasonable adults can watch or choose not to watch. The list of blocked sites will continue to grow and grow until anything left of Mary Poppins will be considered too much for our eyes and ears to bear. Let us be perfectly clear: this net filter has nothing at all to do with stopping paedophilia. It has everything to do with curtailing our fundamental human rights. The same Federal Government that refuses to take action against organised paedophilia within the Catholic Church can somehow claim to be committed to stopping child abuse. I say, spend that money wasted on setting up the net filter to establish and conduct a Royal Commission into child abuse by clergy.

www.theaustralian.com.au/australian-it/conroys-filter-plan-unworkable-google/story-e6frgakx-1225844270444

Dads Run Off Their Feet

New research (see link, below) shows that dads in Australia are doing a pretty good job of parenting, but with a couple of catches. For one, Australian men and women work like trojans. Television myths of lazy Aussies bumming it on Bondi Beach obscure a reality where 50+ hours at work per week is becoming standard, and travel times to and from work extend as people are forced by economic necessity to live out in the sticks. That dilemma is aggravated further by decaying public transport systems where, for example, in Sydney the trains have actually become progressively slower over the past 40 years. The other point that needs to be stressed about Australian dads working hard to balance their work and family lives is that mums are forced to work even harder. Gendered divisions of labour remain all the rage here, with many women stuck in dead-end, low-pay, casual or part-time jobs, and then at knock-off time instantly obliged by cultural tradition to become the perfect partner and mother. The lack of labour market equity is but one of the many shonky things that needs to fixed, along with politicians, policy makers and the captains of industry taking a good hard look at the costs associated with children missing out on quality time with their dads, mums or any other combinations of primary carer…

www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/lifematters/our-dads-better-than-yours-aussies-lead-world-in-parenting-20100321-qo6l.html

Men Suffer for Too Much Small Talk

Mehl, M., Vazire, S., Holleran, S., & Clark, C. (2010). Eavesdropping on Happiness: Well-Being Is Related to Having Less Small Talk and More Substantive Conversations Psychological Science.

http://pss.sagepub.com/content/early/2010/02/17/0956797610362675

A little study, to be sure, but one which confirms that human beings are social animals who thrive in the company of others. Moreover, we tend to be happier when our conversations are made of substance, and not fluff. Now this sets up a conundrum for many men, who from the year dot were raised with a set of masculine ideals that specifically equate deep and meaningful conversations as being the province of women and gay men. We know that in this shallow mire, many men would rather self-harm or suicide than actually take the risk of sharing some substance, particularly if that substance reflects on their own sense of vulnerability and shame. I have seen the benefits of when men do indeed engage in more thoughtful conversations, both in my therapeutic work with traumatised men and in my personal life, amongst my male friends. Surrounded as we are by messages, even public health messages, that lionise the masculine ideal of ‘keeping it simple’ and which mock the notion that men can and perhaps should be encouraged to talk more deeply, could it be that a simple reversal of those messages might lead to less men self-harming or killing themselves…?

Update: This recent report from the UK (see link, below), looks at how we might improve the mental health of men and boys. For me, the focus is all wrong. The biggest issues that boys and men face in the UK, as in many other parts of the world, centres on the performance of masculinity, and therein the ever present violence, as well as the impact of childhood trauma and low socio-economic status. Of course, there are a whole lot of other issues thrown in, related to colour, sexuality, disability, and so forth, but I weep whenever I read that all we need to do is get men to see a doctor and everything will turn out just right. Wrong…

A Review of the Essential Issues in the Mental Health of Men and Boys

An Irishman Far from Home

Yesterday was St Patrick’s Day, a celebration for all Irish people and for all people who love all things Irish. Here at home, it meant cooking for my man and reflecting on the triumphs and challenges of being an Irishman far from the land of my ancestors. One of the proudest moments in my life came when I applied for my Irish citizenship. Several months later, I opened the crumpled envelope that had been stuffed in my letterbox. That envelope contained my Irish birth certificate.

Although I was born in Australia, I have never felt at home here. This is the country where I have been subjected to so much violence and where I have borne witness to so much violence perpetrated against others. While the tourist commercials paint a rosy picture of an easy-going, fun-loving people, the reality is that harsh, brutal violence characterises the Australian culture. This is a tough country for men, and for those who are forced to bear the brunt of male violence.

When I was a kid, being Irish in Australia was a source of much derision. My surname, my clan name was pulled apart and reconfigured as an insult. Irish jokes portrayed us as mad, drunk, violent, and stupid.  Any protests about the insensitivities of such behaviours were met with that barbed response, ‘no worries, she’ll be right, mate’. Australians are loathe to accept that racism is a problem here. And yes, although the Irish have now elevated to positions of power within political and legal circles in Australia, that taint of history remains.

When I first saw Ireland through clouds and a sunset on a cool June evening, I knew that I was home. Everything seemed familiar. The people were my people, friendly and funny, wise and worldly. The food tasted like I knew it would, the Guinness was even colder and more refreshing. Trinity College was not nearly as bleak as J.P Donleavy had portrayed it. Learning that I shared my birthday with Daniel O’Connell brought a tear to my Hibernian blue eyes. And then I wake up and I am in this horrid place…

The struggle of displaced peoples.

Dads Missing Out on Post-Natal Depression

There is no evidence for a vicarious flow-on effect of depression from women experiencing post-natal depression to their partners, nor to a separate form of depression that fathers might suffer, post childbirth (see link, below). What we have here is a classic case of disease mongering, worsened by that weird, ‘me too!’ phenomenon. I have always been a trenchant critic of pathologising normal life events and adjustments, of which childbirth is one. That applies to women as well, whose low mood post childbirth can be wrongly diagnosed as post-natal depression. When we crowd the space with temporarily altered moods the people who miss out are those women who are deeply depressed, their children and yes, their significant others. And of course, while every family at different stages can benefit from information and support, I see no utility in labelling new dads as ‘depressed’ when they are in reality not depressed at all. I know that linked report comes from Newcastle, so it is whiter than white bread, but some positive solutions might be found in talking with women and men from culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) backgrounds, to see how they handle the post childbirth experience.

 Dads and Post-Natal Depression (2010)

Sexual Abuse and the Australian Navy

News that male sailors on an Australian navy ship, HMAS Success (see link, below) have, amongst other depraved acts, bullied female sailors into agreeing to sex, should not come as any surprise. The Australian navy, like all other arms of the military here, is unbelievably sexist. Women are treated like total shite by men who have no concept of decency or civility. Within the broader Australian community, there will be twinges of moral outrage about this story but also a perverse, smirking admiration for the perpetrators. We tend to think that military men are hypermasculine perverts and that, to some extent, is the price we must pay for our freedom. Any claims by the Department of Defence that they will stamp out the sort of behaviours that have disgraced HMAS Success should be immediately dismissed. Navy operates as a law unto itself and no bean-counter, politician or judge will rattle that hate-filled culture. Even as I type this grisly post, more young Australian women are no doubt being abused while in the service of their country. 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/australia/7428327/Australian-sailors-operated-sex-ledger-of-women-recruits.html

Update: The current inquiry (see link, below), will come to nothing, such is the Australian way…

It’s HMAS Sex-cess 2010

Masculine Secrecy and Clergy Abuse

Like mounds of dirt washed away by heavy rain, the Catholic Church can barely contain the assaults upon its moral authority. And why would that be so? Because around the world, from Berlin to Dublin, New York to Sydney, the Church is staging an almighty fight to stem the tide of child abuse allegations against its clergy. As a survivor of such abuse myself, I well know that this is not merely about depraved individuals or isolated incidents. It is a systemic pattern whereby perpetrator priests, brothers (etc.) are afforded by the Church the maximum opportunity to covertly continue their wanton acts. For example, in the diocese where I was abused,  paedophile priests were simply moved from one parish to another or if the heat became too much, to another diocese. Yes, there was secrecy, but not as a characteristic of masculinity (see link, below). This secrecy was about the bloated men who run this rich and powerful organisation deliberately denying or thwarting justice. So would the Catholic Church benefit from having women in decision-making roles?  Absolutely…! 

http://www.catholicnews.com/data/stories/cns/1001020.htm

Update: I can only hope that one day, the Australian Federal Government might hold a Royal Commission into child abuse by Catholic clergy, and the concerted attempts by the church itself to cover up that abuse. In Germany now (see link, below), as in Ireland, public scrutiny may not account for justice but is a far preferable alternative to that hideous silence…

www.theage.com.au/world/sex-abuse-scandal-entangles-pope-20100313-q528.html

Update: So many updates on this story. Like a champagne cork flying across the room, the Catholic Church can only try in vain to put their criminal legacy back into the bottle (see link, below)…

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/8572875.stm

Update: I have seen enough Law and Order episodes to know that there comes a time when you give up the crap and take your punishment on the chin. And that is what the Catholic Church (see link, below) needs to do here. That what happened in Ireland, Germany, the United States, and Australia in terms of the church’s response to clergy child abuse was either the world’s most miraculous coincidence or the tell-tale signs of a huge institution that can readily access top-flight legal advice. I am being facetious. I know that here in Sydney, the Catholic Church keeps at least four big law firms on retainer, ready to do whatever it takes to escape justice…

www.nytimes.com/2010/03/25/world/europe/25vatican.html?hp